What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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