woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
