I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
