He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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