Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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