I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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