saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
