I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
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