I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
