My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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