I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
