Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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