I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
