I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
