pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
