Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
