You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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