you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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