I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
