i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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