I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
