I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
