what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
