Have you finally orgasmed yet?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
