Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
