I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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