I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
