Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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