some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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