seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
