so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize