accomplished twins. life is a go
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I wish there were birth control emojis
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
