I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
