My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
