i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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