Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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