I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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