Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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