I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize