i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
