if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
