I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
