Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
