The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
