can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Randomize
