Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
