Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my shit smells like andre
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
