I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
