Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
