i think my tv is drunk
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
