I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize