drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You pole danced in your parka.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
