I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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