haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
