What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize