If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
