You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
