He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
