forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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